When I was six years old, my older brother took me to the store to buy a music tape of Iron Maiden. When I heard them for the first time, I new I wanted to make music. I also started listening to such bands like Slayer, Megadeth, Ozzy, The Doors, Jimmy Hendrix, Syd Barrett and Pink Floyd just to name a few.
When I arrived to the States at the age of seven, I new that my dream could be real. I started thinking of more possibilities.
As the years passed, I started listening to Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, Skinny Puppy, Ministry, Orgy, Depeche Mode, The Talking Heads, etc. My vision of music became a whole new world, a depressing world. I turned to drugs to cope. I hung out with a bad crowd and got in trouble with the police. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but it went on for years.
Then came the anxiety and the phobia of being alive.
In my mind, when I looked at the world through my eyes, there were always faces, smiling, staring, some sad. Eyes appeared through the shadows. And, these shadows always walked by me. Reading a book called Necronomicon and learning the tarot cards set the world on fire for me. After that, more shadows appeared and I remember screaming to God for it to stop.
It didn’t help. More kept on coming.
After that, came the fear of being outside. I couldn’t leave my house. The fear of smiling, and thinking heavenly thoughts scared me. I feared strangers, stares, and happiness. People’s faces were ugly, including the beautiful woman.
The thoughts of all those faces that stared at me were easy to read.
Emotions became stronger and my abnormal thoughts were hitting me hard. Every day, I didn’t know whether I was going to make it alive. I used to think of all these thoughts of God and Jesus. I thought that God wasn’t real and that He was an invented fantasy to overcome stress. I thought the devil was just a picture painted to sit beside God. An opposite that wasn’t real. I used to pray and pray for it to stop: the dreams, the visions and the depression. It overwhelmed me.
I was unable to do a lot of things because of all of this. I couldn’t live a normal life. I tried to cerate some local bands but they all fell apart due to my problems. I couldn’t speak to the world.
It’s been like this for me since the age of fourteen. Some things are still deep inside of me. I can’t remember them and honestly, I don’t want too. It’s easier to control now, but at times, it’s so strong, but I try.
I’ve been writing poetry, songs and lyrics since the age of eleven. I got a bass guitar the following year, then a guitar. I spent the next two years learning these. Then at sixteen, I got my first drum set. But it wasn’t enough for me. I needed more. At seventeen, I started recording with a double tape deck. You know, mixing tapes around. It’s kind of funny when you think about it. Later that summer, I bought my first keyboard then a synthesizer. In my heart, I felt like I was getting somewhere. Eventually, I bought more keyboards, as well as drum machines.
At twenty-two, I met a strange psychic who told me I was a special being from God. That scared me so much that I had to leave. It just got weirder after that. My palms have been itchy since.
At twenty-three, I recorded my first full-length sounds at this cheap studio. It was a waste of time but at the same time, it wasn’t. I learned by watching how the recording and drum programs were used. After that, I bought my own programs and started recording and making beats for my songs.
Then I stopped as depression set in.
In the summer of my twenty-fourth birthday, I truly devoted my time to recording my songs, but then I stopped again in the winter of 2006. I didn’t know if I was going to be alive to finish it.
I’m twenty-five now. I finished the album. When I look back, I think to myself ‘I made it’. The world has lifted off of me.
My album is about depression, God, numbers, the universe, the unknown, the shadows, the eyes, secret messages, hate and a beautiful woman that influenced it in a big way. This woman once told me that I would never be seen. I think this album is my light in which I will be seen by the world. Hopefully to prove to her that I am seen and that she is nothing now. Everything that was wasted can be gained with time.
The album is titled off white, and the band’s name is endofnumbers.
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